BRA SHOPPING IN MUMBAI

You have to be a real dumbass to figure out that Mumbai is a shopper’s paradise. To be honest - for every budget, every lifestyle and every need, there’ll always be a pleasant marketing experience tailor-made for the visitor. To be more honest, it’s not really true. Shopping sometimes does depend on who is making the purchase. To find out more… read on!

So it was one fine afternoon when there were no labs for a change, and my friend Ali was yearning to go shop for new clothes. He did need some company, and I desperately wanted to get out of college campus, tagged along to one of the finest shopping areas Mumbai has to offer – Linking Road. The afternoon was hot and humid, so staying indoors in shops was a welcome respite from the heat. Ali finished his purchase soon, and now we had a couple of hours to kill indoors. So we thought to ourselves, let’s have some fun in the process.

Now, the brassiere is a piece of (really pointless) tit-wear. Its main purpose is to increase the duration of intercourse but can be totally by-passed by concentration on other areas of the female anatomy. However, today, the brassiere is considered to simply be a formality, and also a kind of protection against “that rapist currently looking at your sister's tits using a pair of binoculars!” So, us, two guys, did the unthinkable and randomly decided to go bra shopping. As a thumb rule, women take undue advantage of a man’s extreme desire to have sex with her right there in the store by cuddling up to their man and asking for money. But today was going to be different!

With no idea on how to start, we randomly entered Topsons, a prominent women’s showroom opposite KFC on the road. With largely women all around, it seemed weird in the beginning, but we soon carried ourselves to the lingerie section to be greeted rather unfamiliarly to a lady saleswoman behind the table.

We asked – “Ek women’s bra dikhaana…” We tried to be as normal as possible, but couldn’t control our chuckles. We stopped soon, thankfully! The women thought we’re probably laughing looking at some stain on her shirt but rather unfazed, she proceeded to show us some brands out of a box. What followed was easily the best extempore performance one can put forward in years.

Pitstop 1 - “Kaunsa size chaahiye?”No idea whatsoever. We had to be intuitive! Now I’m around 40 or so, and with the curves figured it’d be a few inches more…
“46!”
She looked at me perplexed, like as if that size was the most ludicrous figure she had ever heard. As it seemed, it was, and she removed this humongous piece fit for an elephant.
“Arey, hum ne toh 36 bola tha!”; quickly recollecting, the famous 36-24-36 figure. She looked on in some anger, but went on to bring another box.

Pitstop 2 – “Cup?”
No! Not a cup of tea… Thankfully, we figured out this bit ourselvesJ. But we didn’t really know the convention. Without an answer, we went forward sifting through the varieties. There was Triumph, Lovable and Enamor on show. Soon, with the labels; we went on to find out about the alphabet convention.“Humein exact size pataa nahi hai…”

Pitstop 3 – “Kyun chahiye?”
I mean, what’s her problem. But, we had to seem normal. We couldn’t give away the fact that we came to waste some time. So, I started…“Humein girlfriend ko gift mein denaa hai…”
Any guy around was coupled with a lady trying the different sizes on. And none of us were prepared to do the same on each other! But, for the first time, the lady actually smiled a bit and showed us some sample cups.

Pitstop 4 – “Aapko unhe laana chaahiye tha… Theek hai, inmein se choose karo!”
She showed us 4 different-cupped sample bras, like as if I have a size documented on instinct! I was forked now. If I did manage to choose, she’d think I have my girlfriend’s cup size measured on my hands. If I didn’t, then the idea of the purchase would have just reached a deadlock. To normal conjectures, I chose C. Ali, after this started looking at it too, like as if he had an idea on MY girlfriend’s size as well. Hopefully, she was attending to another lady at that time to arouse more suspicion. She returned soon. We had to act inquisitive to carry on.

“Yeh band fit hoga na? She is about 5’5”.” – Some engineering intelligence at work.
“Yes sir! Perfect fit hai.”

Pitstop 5 – “Kaunsa material chaahiye?”
From all the adult entertainment (read: porn) I’ve ever watched, I’ve gathered that lace is one of the many materials bras can be made of. She put forward a nice, white coloured one.
“Yeh bahut simple hai! Kuch pink colour mein dikhaao na…”
She picked out another box from the top shelf, and removed a box of colourful lace (or so I thought) bras. I began the search for pink.

Pitstop 6 – “Underwire chaahiye kya? Mehenga padega.”
I had no remote idea of how much a bra costs. But, after some really awkward interrogation, it seemed that underwire give better support. And I, had to pretend to be really macho to this fictitious girlfriend went with the underwire option.“Yeh kitne ka hai?”
“This one is for 600! Aur yeh black wala 550 ka hai.”
WTF!
My face evidently grew slightly red, and she must’ve figured out now that I need not be given too much attention from then on. For the uninitiated, the most expensive Jockey men’s underwear doesn’t cost that much. But then, what are we even comparing? She grew slightly impatient, and went towards some other customer on the right, leaving us helpless and awkwardly alone in a lingerie section.

I silently gestured to Ali for more questions, but he didn’t have any. Ali had had it by now, and he couldn’t possibly hold on to his laughter much longer. He left the store leaving me alone and stranded. She returned, to return some of the samples that I ostensibly wasn’t interested in. I didn’t have much more to do there really, except make a really intelligent escape. I began getting a call on my fone, and felt now is the best time to escape. On account of bad network deep inside a shop, I made for the door gradually withdrawing my phone from my pocket. As I was at the entrance, I hurriedly picked up and said hello. Guess what! It was Ali, and by now I was already out of the store! God bless that soul who said - A friend in need is a friend indeed.

But guys, there are a few things I learnt about bra shopping that day.
1. Always take a lady with you.
2. The bra size is the size of the chest and not cup included.
3. Cups are in alphabetic convention.
4. ALWAYS take a lady with you.
5. Never go with another guy! You could be mistaken for being ‘happy among yourselves’ who’ve come for fetish shopping!!
6. ALWAYS TAKE A LADY WITH YOU!
7. Bra’s can be really expensive.
8. Oh! I almost forgot, ALWAYS (Yes! ALWAYS!!) TAKE A LADY WITH YOU!